"I feel so behind": Dealing with Comparison

2 min Reading Time

"I'm so behind in life" "I should be way ahead of where I am now" 

Have you ever caught yourself saying this?   

The thing is, you're 'behind' or 'ahead' compared to what? 

What are you measuring yourself against?

This sounds stupid but we aren't given a print-out list of the life steps we should follow and a date we should have ticked them off. But act like we do all the time. So why?

Blame it on the mind- The mind doesn't judge things as absolutes, but it always judges something relative to whatever's around it. 

Take these two figures for example.

Which of the two central circles is smaller? Left or Right?

The answer is that both central circles are exactly the same size. Trippy, right?

The reason the one on the right looks smaller, is just that it's surrounded by big circles. So it looks small in comparison.  (It's called an Ebbinghaus Illusion)

The mind can't help it. Even knowing they're the same size doesn't stop you from experiencing the illusion. 

So, it seems cool with the circles, but when we apply it to real life it can really mess you up. 

Because instead of comparing ourselves to our old selves, we end up comparing ourselves to other people- and this happens automatically,  even if we don't consciously realise.

This is an issue because people only ever post their highlights, they don't post the days when they feel down and they don't know what they're doing in life. They don't post the days when they're bored,  lonely, unmotivated, or feeling neutral. So it's pretty easy to compare our 100% of life with other people's 10% highlight reels. It's important to recognise this and focus on your own journey. 

So what if Brenda's got a career sorted? Or if Tom is studying abroad in Mexico? Or Ginny set up her own business before she was born?

Life's not a race against other people, but about becoming a better version of YOU, even 0.0001 % better.  

BUT CAUTION: Here's one of the biggest mistakes people make (including me)

We often think being better is about having a better outcome. But that's not true.

Being better is about the choices you make.   Maybe you tried setting boundaries and lost friendships. Maybe you  applied to a job and got rejected- but the fact you even applied shows you're working to becoming a better version of yourself.   Learn and carry it forward.

SO,  take 10 seconds now and just think about how far you've come in the past year.  

Maybe you're learning to work through something physically/mentally, maybe you're setting boundaries, making decisions based on values. Maybe you're putting your efforts into a project or job search. Whatever it is, give yourself credit for your choices even if the outcome isn't what you expected.

As a parting note, I'll leave you with this: "Anyone can nurture a myth about their life if they have enough manure, so if the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, that's probably because it's full of shit. "

(A great quote from Anxious People by Fredrik Blackman- a book about a robbery that's not really about a robbery)