I am... an Explorer

3 Min Reading Time

You never know when something you see or something someone says is going to stay with you. You never know what words you’ll carry around with you, or which ones you’ll pull out on the days you need them.

But sometimes a single conversation can change everything. For better or worse based on the meaning you choose to give to it. So, let’s have a conversation.

My word for this year is ‘Explorer’.

Months ago, as my dad was washing the dishes, I stood beside him feeling kind of hopeless (read: feeling sorry for myself). All around me, friends where finishing off their master’s degrees, joining graduate programmes, in successful jobs, or off travelling the world.

Meanwhile, I had just voluntarily quit my job. Took on a top-secret massive project. And was interested in about 700 different things and felt like I wasn’t making any progress in them. And on top of that, I still didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life (does anyone?) I felt lost, wading through so many possibilities without being able to decide what to do with myself.

What if I picked a certain path and I made the wrong choice? What if I decided on a career and ended up miserable? What if I was filled with regret?

“I’m a failure.” I said to my dad.
“Why?” he said.
“Because I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t have this incredible job. ”
“Is that what success is?”
That made me pause. “Hmm. No.”
“Then what is success, for you?” he said.
“I don’t know. Being happy. Doing something I enjoy that helps others.”
“And how will you know what you enjoy before you’ve even done it?  Until you try it? Until you explore it?”

That really stumped me. Up until this point, I thought that trying out different things made me a failure. All the uncertainty of it, while everyone else seemed so sure of themselves.

“And what if I make the wrong decision. What if I end up choosing something and hating it? Or if I change my mind later?”
“So what? No matter what you do you'll take something from it,”   He carried on, “An explorer never fails, Nadine. An explorer goes to this place and that, takes what is good for them and leaves behind what is not. You’re an explorer.”

That conversation, and that word gave me a lot of courage in the months that followed. 

I am an Explorer.

 It made everything feel a lot less risky. So what if I tried something and didn’t like it?  I didn't need to like it before I'd tried it- what mattered was the exploration & there would always be something to learn and carry forward.

So what if I didn’t know what I wanted to do ‘with life’? I knew what I wanted to explore right now, and that exploration was enough.

Exploration wasn't something reserved for food and drinks and clothes, but could be applied to relationships, careers, hobbies too. And everything, all the good or bad experiences would shape me.

My choices no longer felt like a life sentence. All decisions could be approached with a sense of curiosity, instead of judgement over whether they were ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ I was free to explore, to be curious, to follow values and interests and let them guide me. 

And deep down, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

“But it’s going to be a lonely time.” He said. “you’re going to see your friends all going off in different directions and you’re going to be there on your own, heading another way. Because your goal is different. Your priority is different. Your values are different. Remember that.”

And he was right. I had to remind myself of that every time I went on Instagram or someone got a new job promotion. Just because something made them happy, didn’t mean it would make me happy.  And so I had to focus on my own journey.

Because you can’t judge yourself based on other people’s goals ( I can’t imagine a faster way to tear your self-esteem). Instead, you have check in with yourself by seeing whether or not you’re living through your values, your interests. And as your interests change, so will your exploration.

9 months later, I’m looking back at how I spent my time and I’m happy. I know I did what felt right for me. I know I made mistakes, but I've learned from them. And more importantly I know the time wasn’t wasted by living someone else’s dream. Now, I’m ready for the next chapter, wherever that may lead.

And so, I hope you have the courage to explore the things you’re curious about, whether it works out or not. To allow yourself the flexibility of trying different things without judgement. To detach from the outcome, to carry the lessons forward and let your values & interests guide you.

After all, to be an explorer is to venture into the unknown, to take a chance. And isn’t that what life’s all about?